ADVENTURE!

THE DINOS WILL INHERIT THE EARTH

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:41:00 -0700

LOCATION: EARTH

OBJECTIVE: To genetically engineer obedient dinosaurs with the aim of conquering a small, beachy island capable of valiant exploration by dino-back.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Dinosaur fossils for genetic material, genetic engineering scientific geniuses, top-secret lab BENEATH THE OCEAN, dinosaur treats, trick mirrors.

OPTIONAL: Dinosaur back saddles, ostentatious crown to assert dominance, killswitch in event of Jurassic Park-esque “difficulties”.

PRIMA DONNA FIRST PIRATE OF THE SEAS

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:35:00 -0700

LOCATION: Profitable pirating routes of the HIGH SEAS

OBJECTIVE: To become the richest and most feared ballerina pirate donna that ever sailed the 4 seas

MATERIALS NEEDED: Sea-faring vessel of speed and stealth, highly skilled ballerina crew, opera singers, small orchestra, pointe shoes & chalk, suitably graceful swords, ostentatious treasure chests for storing booty

OPTIONAL: Wooden signs reminding ballerina crew to spot while performing turns to prevent dizziness and seasickness

BLAZING HOT LOVE

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:27:00 -0700

LOCATION: Volcano of your choice

OBJECTIVE: To get married inside a volcano

MATERIALS NEEDED: flame-retardant wedding clothes, ordained minister, ice cubes for guests, string quartet, guestbook, ledge for wedding cake, classy flower arrangements, ice sculptures of dinosaurs and the happy couple, protective goggles

OPTIONAL: THE GOGGLES… THEY DO NOTHING!

SILK ROAD SHUFFLE

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:17:55 -0700

LOCATION: Ancient silk routes

OBJECTIVE: Travel the silk routes by dancing across them. Avoid getting bitten by cranky camels, poisonous desert insects and disgruntled human beings.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Armed guards. Book keeper. Caravan to rest in. Ability to survive in bitter cold and burning heat. Camel.

OPTIONAL: Ibn al-Haytham’s camera obscura

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:59:00 -0700

LOCATION: Victorian Era ENGLAND

OBJECTIVE: To create an impeccable steampunk robot to teach manners to ruffian English youths

MATERIALS NEEDED: Raw metals harvested from the very STONEHENGE, metal-smithing materials, book of manners, atomic locomotive, goggles, disgruntled kidnapped mechanical genius, toy telescopes, outrageously complicated clocks, water

OPTIONAL: gaslight romance

YOUTH SPRINGS ETERNAL

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:59:48 -0700

LOCATION: Florida

OBJECTIVE: To discover the long-lost FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

MATERIALS NEEDED: Dissatisfaction with material wealth, 2 Spanish Galleons, 200 men (include priests, farmers, artisans), 50 horses and domestic animals, farming implements, divining rod, sunglasses

OPTIONAL: Superfun Disneyworld trip

DONUT TOSS

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:08:25 -0700

LOCATION: Anywhere

OBJECTIVE: Toss a gigantic donut between two buildings, going up a floor at each successful toss.

MATERIALS: Donut, 3 feet in diameter. Two adjacent high rises with windows spaced approximately the same. Strong arms, strong back. Umbrellas for pedestrians to protect themselves with.

OPTIONAL: Gigantic donut holes, fritters, and bear claws may be used in place of the Donut.

PIZZAIOLO WRANGLE

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 16:12:40 -0700

LOCATION: Spain

OBJECTIVE: To master the dangerous art of Spanish Cowboy Pizza-making

MATERIALS NEEDED: Pizza dough, tomatos, freshly grown basil, all the fixin’s, lasso, revolver, affable cowboy hat

OPTIONAL: Intense rivalry with Spanish Cowboy Spaghetti Clan

TIME MACHINE

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:22:36 -0700

LOCATION: Spacetime Continuum

OBJECTIVE: To achieve thoroughly entertaining means of time travel

MATERIALS NEEDED: Black hole, duct tape, coffee, Tesla Magnifying Transmitter, leather seats of the utmost comfort

OPTIONAL: Sugar cubes, coffee creamer

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:37:21 -0700

LOCATION: beneath the arctic sea at the water-ice barrier

OBJECTIVE: the greatest and only underwater hockey tournament ever.

MATERIALS NEEDED: the best of the best of the KHL, the NHL, and 19,998 leagues to be named at a later date. breathing apparatuses, wetsuits, and underwater cameras.

OPTIONAL: bloggers’ submarine adjacent to the press submarine

THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:31:00 -0700

LOCATION: Your average living room

OBJECTIVE: Travel from place to place. Don’t touch the floor, because it is made of FIRE. Play tag.

MATERIALS: Things to stand on, preferably a couch. Couches have the additional benefit of having cushions that you could make into a fort to protect you from invaders.

OPTIONAL: It doesn’t have to be pretend. Some charcoal briquettes and a willingness to set your house on fire could make this a whole lot more interesting.

RAMBOING

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:29:00 -0700

LOCATION: A dense, steamy jungle.

OBJECTIVE: Bash your way through the jungle with your bare hands. Then, grab a log and white water raft your way to the nearest village. Speak in a British accent. Works for Bear Grylls.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Machete, bug spray, canteen. Resistance to malaria and jungle infections. Safari gear. Blunderbuss.

OPTIONAL: Salt, in case you want your piranha roasts to have flavor

ARRRRRRbys

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:03:17 -0700

LOCATION: The HIGH SEAS

OBJECTIVE: To map out an efficient, profitable, hilarious sea route for a joint Arby’s/Pirating venture

MATERIALS NEEDED: Non-haunted pirating vessel of the highest calibur, Big & Cheesy ingredients, scimitars, compass, piano for accompanying sea shantys/product jingles, intimidating pirate hats imprinted with Arby’s logo

OPTIONAL: Lemons, oranges, and grapefruit for scurvy prevention purposes

TEASING THE POLAR BEAR

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:54:00 -0700

LOCATION: Anywhere with Arctic Conditions

OBJECTIVE: To tease polar bears without aggravating any attack that may lead to DEATH (playful shoulder punches acceptable)

MATERIALS NEEDED: Dirigible suitable to Arctic Conditions, extra warm polar bear disguises, the feel-good-times music of Benny Goodman, extra fancy monocles, shoes suitable for extravagant dance sequences on the ice, several rubber chickens

OPTIONAL: Refreshments for a job well done

GOLD!

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 21:16:10 -0700

LOCATION: The wild, wild west, if you’ve access to a time machine.

OBJECTIVE: Get that motherfucking gold out of those motherfucking hills.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Tin pan, camping supplies, likely stream. Rifle, gunpowder. Innate toughness. Unbending optimism. Greed.

OPTIONAL: Handlebar moustache. Ten gallon hat.

SOUP TO NUTS

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:37:19 -0700

LOCATION: Any small, nontoxic pond. Edible fauna preferred.

OBJECTIVE: Turn a pond into a tasty soup.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Oh man lots of filters for a start to get rid of as much sediment and inedible matter as possible. Loads of salt, pepper, buckets o’ chopped garlic. Thousands of shelled clams (would be nice if pond came stocked with them eh? Unlikely though.). Generous amounts of cream and a general lack of finickiness. Several thousand potatoes. Heat emitting submarine for heating and stirring the soup.

Feeds a small, probably starving, village.

OPTIONAL: Bottle of bourbon for all those creeping doubts about how this could possibly work and can it be sanitary and so forth.

INTERNATIONAL HOOP-ROLLING

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:06:00 -0700

LOCATION: Around the WORLD

OBJECTIVE: The world’s most large-scale hoop-rolling contest across continents, islands, ocean

MATERIALS NEEDED: hoops, sticks, COURAGE

OPTIONAL: clothing

SNOWS OF MOUNT KILIMANJARO

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:54:00 -0700

LOCATION: Tanzania

OBJECTIVE: To die slowly and angrily of an unnecessary wound after a life of unfulfilled dreams.

MATERIALS NEEDED: Whiskey soda, a scavenging beast, a weeping spouse. A tent in the shade and help not far behind.

OPTIONAL: A symbolic leopard carcass.

HAMBURGLAR

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:38:38 -0700

LOCATION: HAMBURG GERMANY

OBJECTIVE: To pull off the largest caper of opulent theater costumes in varying styles that the Deutsches Schauspielhaus has ever seen

MATERIALS NEEDED: 5 large magnifying glasses, one very intelligent German Shepherd dog, map of Paris, fake mustaches, 7 ballroom sized mirrors, German Chocolate Cake Mix, Swiss Army Knife, a large dresser for conveying theater costumes, legally procured speedboat

OPTIONAL: explosives

SWEET GOD

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:38:14 -0700

LOCATION: Space.

OBJECTIVE: Marshmallows in space

MATERIALS NEEDED: High speed marshmallow gun, pointed at the heavens. Five hundred thousand kilograms of marshmallows.

OPTIONAL: Graham crackers and melted chocolate for those occasions that marshmallows come hurtling back through the atmosphere, pleasantly toasted.